So there I was

MICHAEL: So there I was, selflessly mowing my fiance's lawn. I like her yard to be pretty for her. She really appreciates it. I was finished all the way down to one big square in the back yard. The exciting finish awaiting me. When all of the sudden it felt like someone burning me with cigarettes all over my body. I ran over a nest of bees. Those mean critters literally stabbed me all over. I jumped, stripped off clothes, threw my glasses in the yard, and ran for the hose. Sprayed myself all over like I was contaminated at the office (I work in the Nuclear field.)

Finally, I made it to the porch. I knocked on the door loudly, Emily came out probably with an internal monologue of "What, What do you need!?" She quickly went into action when she learned I had been accosted by killer-bully-bees. My Emily took my clothes from me and threw the tainted evidence of my domestic abuse in the washer. She accompanied me to the bathroom and allowed me to shower off in her house. This is where idiocy steps in. The only water that would come out was the hot. NO COLD WATER at all. I needed cool relief. After my shower I came to my senses. I left the hose on in the yard. Emily selflessly and bravely shut off the water in the war zone for us.

Dazed and very ashamed I couldn't see very well. Where are my glasses? IN THE YARD! AGAIN, Emily braved the Baghdad situation and retrieved my spectacles from the scene of the crime. I hurt all over. Emily asked if I needed Benadryl, asking if I was allergic to bee stings. Well, honey after 5 stings everyone is allergic to some degree, I said hurtfully. I received close to 10 stings. I knew of 8. She gave me 50mg of Benadryl. And during this short time I hit my inhaler a bunch of times. This is where my memory gets fuzzy and her part of the story begins.

EMILY: So there I was, sitting on the stool in the den trying to assess the severity of my dear fiance's allergic reaction. He was going in and out while attempting to tell me he was having trouble breathing. Now, I know I am a nurse but this is NOT my expertise. Remember my patients are under 10lbs and much of the time under 2lbs. They do not get bee stings. Anyway, I decided he needed to lay down, we couldn't go the the ER until his clothes were dry anyway. (At this point I was thinking "why did you wash those immediately, did the thought not cross your mind he might need epinephrine!") Michael dozed in and out for the next 30 minutes or so while I attended his clothes and checked on him every few minutes for breath sounds. He was snoring which made that part easy. After a while, I decided to contact my sister the Nurse Practitioner, maybe she would have some advice. After all, he was telling me breathing was still difficult despite all the Benadryl. Leslie suggested I look at the back of his throat to check for swelling. Why hadn't I thought of that...because I don't do big people! So, I wasn't able to look at the back of his throat for the HUGE tongue filling his entire mouth! Oh dear! This is not good. Leslie then replies we should head for the ER. Yep, I thought so. The only problem with this plan was his underwear and clothes were in the washer. I quickly put them in the dryer and tried to explain to him that as soon as they were dry we were going the ER. He didn't seem all that impressed, to which I explained how waking up to a dead fiance was not in my plans. He then agreed. Twenty minutes later when the clothes were all dry, I assessed the tongue size again. It was much less swollen than my previous exam and he said he was breathing easier. Therefore, we stayed home. I slept beside the drug induced coma patient to ensure he was breathing all night. At 3am I woke him for more meds and learned he felt much better and didn't need them. I know he left sometime this morning and I assume made it to work on time.

MICHAEL: Tonight, General Emily and I (Corporal Michael) took the offensive. She devised a cunning plan with other Military officers (Our next door neighbors Nancy & RC) to use good old fashion Napalm. Just kidding just Gasoline. By pouring it into their base of operations we eliminated the threat on their own soil. Hey, wait! That's our soil. They're Terrorists!! We took them out America. End of Story. God Bless! And good night.

Michael J. Laymon
Editor & Chief of the Laymon Letter